"Did he want to have sex with you?" This from mrs househusbandnot in response to my telling her that there had been a man with an erection in the showers at the swimming pool yesterday.
Now, I have a lot of bad character traits. But it was not until I met mrs hhn that I realised quite how unhelpful my inability to lie can be. What I should have said was "No. He didn't. He was after some other bloke". What I did say, having considered the question, was "I don't know." Because I didn't. Other than Erecto Man (EM) , there were three of us in the shower, so there was - theoretically anyway- a 33% chance that EM may have wanted to have sex with me. (Yeah, yeah. I know. But bear with me here.)
"So, did you want to have sex with him?"
I could have got away with it if I hadn't paused. But I did. Because I do think that if mrs hhn asks me a question, I should give her a straight (boom boom) response. I paused because I was considering the question. And then, having taken my time, I put on my extra strength idiot cap, and said: "No. He had a small penis."
The devil will always be in the detail. Now, because I didn't leave a few seconds pause between 'No' and 'He'. Now, because I didn't insert a 'By the way' or 'Did I say' in the same place, mrs hhn thinks I am considering having sex with men I meet at the swimming pool. I'm not mentioning anyone with erections again.
It is weird though. Maybe I'm a little uptight. Maybe I need therapy. (Does this make me a homophobe?) But I don't particularly want to have some dude getting off in the shower next to me at the pool. Sorry, but it just ain't my thing. What about if it was a woman? No, I think I'd feel the same. It's just all a little too public, and pubic. I also deeply regret telling mrs hhn about it. She gave me a different look this morning when I said I was going to go for a swim on the way home tonight. What was once an innocent pastime, is now a test.
And now someone - and its a good theory btw - is suggesting that Madame B [who haunts these pages with her comments about broccoli etc.] - is actually mrs hhn in disguise, testing my fidelity. Sex tests - in all their shapes and forms - appear to be everywhere at the moment. And all I was doing was swimming and blogging.
the ongoing saga of pretending to be a house husband in the new millennium
Where's Vinderama?
8 comments:
Clear something up, hhn. Are you acquainted with the Broccoli bore? The previous comment - yes it's written anonymously but it otherwise purports to be from her - would suggest she does. How else would she know about your, y'know, goatee?
Blokewhoprefrestinywinkiesandisacompletetwatofabore - let me just tell you that hhn sent me a photo of him and his good lady before i submitted my post a while back
I've been trying, without success, to get HHN to read "The Swimming Pool Library". Instead, he's started to write it himself!
Oh dear, broccoli bore - even you can do better than that ( surely? ).
There seems to be a limit to how long one's moniker can be...
blokewho ...... Yawn, you wouldn't know how to please a woman anyway, you are best left for ignoring, or festering in the 'shagonlywhendesperate' file
No, I don't know her, but she obviously kept the photo of me and mrs hhn - for which incidentally she didn't have decency to send a photo of her back.
Speaking of appearances B Lady, blokewhowillbeembarassedwhenIsaythis was very much the heart throb at university where I met him. Girls I knew would say "What, you know (*&^%? Wow" and look off into the middle distance. So don't judge a bloke's looks by his comments.
And thanks - as always - to Styx (who shared a house with blokewhomadegirlsswoon at university by the way [in an entirely hetrosexual manner]) for lightening the mood with his comments today.
I hate it when M. Broccoli's right. 'You are best left for ignoring' is perfect. Grammatically awful/Scandinavian, yes - but nonetheless on the nose.
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