Rules? What Rules?

hhn and mrs househusbandnot are in bed. hhn's alarm has just gone off. He lies, staring at the gap in the bedroom curtain wondering if the new next door neighbours ever spy on him when he is asleep.

mrs hhn: "Are you awake?"

hhn: "Yes."

"Will you make me a cup of tea?"

[pause]

"I will make you a cup of tea. But don't ask for it. I was going to make you a cup of tea. But don't ask, because I won't make you one. I was already okay about making you tea. But I won't stand for this...this...this tyranny of tea."

"You have too many rules."

"What do you mean?"

"Er, tyranny of tea?"

[pause]

"You have more rules than me."

"But your rules are more insane."

"I am going to have a bath, and when I get back I will be expecting an explanation of that accusation."

[hhn exits to have a bath and contemplate those gentle, slight rules...nay mild expectations he has of life, those inoffensive little regulations and hopes he carries around with him in an effort to understand this mortal coil. He returns to the bedroom.]

"So? Thought up any of my rules, other than the tea thing?"

[mrs hhn takes a deep breath]

"You won't eat anything that is beige. You won't let me order the same thing in restaurants. You have a frankly weird love hate relationship with eggs. You won't let me pour you drinks. What do you think I am going to do? Put a date rape drug in your drink? You won't talk to men if they are under five foot ten. You think it is entirely acceptable to eat with your hands. You freak out if I sit on the other sofa. You think that when you go swimming everyone else should get out of the pool. You don't think you should have to pay to go on trains. You hate cardboard. If someone is more than 20 minutes late, you think it is okay to go home. You ask people ridiculously personal questions two minutes after you have met them...

[hhn considers interrupting to point out the difference between rules and behaviour, but realises he doesn't really know what that difference is]

...You think tomatoes are evil. You spend way too much time thinking about socks. You regularly jump out of your skin if I walk into a room in the flat, even though you know I am there. You think it is normal to growl at people. You do - fundamentally - believe that you can talk to dogs. You feel the need to go around thanking everyone when we are at weddings. You claim you can't use certain pens. You hate cushions. You straighten pictures in other people's houses. And you stare at people in restaurants and then ask why they are being so odd. I will be adding to this list during the day as I think of more."

hhn looks at mrs hhn. He considers what she has just said, and realises that - although he absolutely knows that he has found his soul mate in mrs hhn - there are just some things she will never understand about him, and his hopes and his fears, and his attempts to make sense of all the senselessness in life. And it is only Tuesday.

"Well enjoy the tea babe," he says, struggling into his coat and heading for the front door.