As you (men?) brace yourselves with the approx 18 odd hours that you have left to get your partner/wife/girl u fancy and you know she fancies u too a Valentine's Day gift, (no pressure people, but if you fuck up you've really fucked up) I can offer another househusbandnot list:
1) When your partner/wife says that they don't care what you have planned, she is lying.
2) Go cheesy. Flowers work.
3) She is a grown up. She can vote. In theory she can join the army and kill people. Don't buy her a balloon.
4) If you are still reading this, you are probably not too late for the 10 Songs That Really Remind Us Why We Love Each Other So Much burned CD. (But remember, Nick Hornby-style pondering over songs does not actually cost any money and therefore can be read as meaning nothing too.)
5) She said she doesn't want to go out for supper because it is always a bit grim watching other couples at the tables next to you in the restaurant on Valentine's Day? She is lying.
6) If you have not bought a weekend in Paris...you have not bought a weekend in Paris. Brussels or Riga will not do as a substitute.
7) "I haven't had time to get you what I really wanted to get you, so I got you this as a token of what I really wanted to get you"? Woman response: "I am going to sleep with your boss and film it and post it on U Porn".
8) Don't buy her a soft toy, unless she is a child, in which case you should be locked up.
9) Unless you are deeply brave, or good looking, or famous, or rich, or Barry White, don't try the "I thought we could just stay in and make out this evening" line.
10) Don't believe the hype, and don't ignore it either.
I am feeling under particular - and recurring annual pressure - because I actually proposed to mrs hhn on Valentine's Day a few years ago, and always feel that in some ways I cannot better that moment - ignoring her reaction to my proposal which was an initial and casual "Of course I will marry you", followed by a glance at a jewellery offering sweating hhn and an "Oh, fuck. You really mean it don't you?"
Good luck people.
the ongoing saga of pretending to be a house husband in the new millennium
Where's Vinderama?
10 comments:
Hello. I had a great time at Phantom of the Opera. Thank you. Do you have any Valentine's cards on offer - there is an elderly lady atthe library I'd like to shaft.
excellent, madame b becomes morris...great
Well excuse me mrs hhn. I am certainly not morris horrible. Anyways, you never did show me your fanny did you?
What's fatty getting you for Valentines. I'm expecting a dish cloth worse luck
I've never typed the word shaft before. It is quite liberating. Bum, poo, willy and cock. This is great fun. Its not illegal is it
Ah, that old hhn cynicism again: "When your wife says she doesn't care what you have planned, she is lying." Don't you think you should be using your bloggy soapbox to tell us that we should treat our significant others as if every day was Valentine's Day? Instead of falling for the vapid, saccharine and cliched bullshit-fest that marketing departments want us to fall for? People need leadership, hhn! And we're looking to you!
And Madame B, in your case I think a dishcloth is about as much as you deserve...
I want to buy my better half a goat called Begorra but he says the flat is too small. We have been arguing about it a lot lately and I think I've had enough. Is he being too picky? Should I ditch him and go off with one of the fathers of one of my children instead?
hello. i am new to this site. what do you do here then. seems kinda quiet. must be boring. anyone know any good clubs in canning town. met a bird down there last week. well tasty she was.
hi dave, yeah, there is the Oasis which is really great, pumping vibes and hip hop disco. was i the sexy bird you saw, probably. I was wearing a blue top low and tight, and hot pants and pink mascara, woz a bit pissed at the bar shouting but got to have laugh. see ya down there friday 11 ish
the business suzie p. i'll be there wiv me posse - we're the out crowd and will be digging the vibes. i'll stand near the bogs so you can eye me on the way there all you want. feeling good about this me suze. wear something sexy
alrite babe. c ya there. will dress up and off for it, laters
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