hhn Xmas Present List

a) A dog

b) A wolf

c) For the linseed oil and rabbit glue that I have been asked to take over to Kenya with me by my host (he is an artist) not to be considered a weapon of mass - or minor - destruction by the customs officers at Nairobi airport

d) For The Spice Girls to internally combust

e) For the competition I entered to win Led Zepp tickets to come up with meeeeeeee, so I can sell them and take mrs househusbandnot to the Maldives

f) For c) not to burst open in my suitcase on the way to Nairobi

g) For mrs hhn and I to get upgraded to Bzniz Klass on the way to Nairobi

h) For Jeremy Clarkson to forgive me for being a bit of a tit when I 'met' him the other day

i) For me to have time to learn Stairway To Heaven on the guitar to impress my Zepp-obsessed godson when I see him in Nairobi (If you are wondering why I would not give the tickets I am about to win to him, he will be in Nairobi by the time the gig is on)

j) For *&^ to have time to worship at my feet because I have technically bought him the greatest xmas present of all time (And the stakes are high here people. He got me The Man Who Fell To Earth fridge magnets last year.)

k) For loads of free stuff at the Google seminar I am going to tomorrow

l) To be able to do the gym routine required 15 knee drops in a row without faltering and dropping to the floor like Peter O'Toole after seven or eight of them

m) For that bloke off of Mobile Act Unsigned to look just a little less like me (Have been wondering why so many people have been checking me out on the street lately. I thought it was the 10 kilos I have dropped of late.)

n) For our Xmas tree and me not to explode (mrs hhn is effectively undoing all the effects of our year-long recycling by bedecking our tree with four sets of lights. The room is humming with throbbing electricity waiting for me to go near an electricity socket. Planes are rerouting as they fly over our flat.)

o) For the Thai Girls And Women Searching For Friends website to stop advertising on hhn

p) For Prince to be back in contact

q) For honey badgers to get everything they want in their four little Xmas stockings (Honey? Honey-coated snake? Better publicity with less focus on the whole testicle-biting agenda? A haircut?)

r) For that - much delayed - call to come in from MiraMax re hhn: the movie

s) For a go on my father-in-law's lazy boy chair after Xmas lunch (v v unlikely)

t) For some of those blokes on my side to get out of the +*&^ing way when I am trying to kill Germans in Call Of Duty 2

u) For my boss to like the present I am buying her in the office Secret Santa

v) For mrs hhn not to guess what I am buying her for Xmas (If she does, it may be husbandnot status for me)

w) Another dog for the first one to hang out with

x) For Facebook to go away, zombies and all

y) For a bit of peace and quiet from the two blokes I am sharing an office with who are not talking to each other because they have had a disagreement about databases (snoozo)

z) And P.E.A.C.E on earth



Fingers crossed. hhn x