Blokewhosquestions

Responding - as I occasionally do to a challenge as long as it does not involve snakes or fancy dress or my mother in law - thanks to blokewhosubmittedthoughtsonwhatishouldtalkabouttoday, and:

Prince vs. Michael Jackson
I love the story about Quincy Jones getting really frustrated with Jackson's lack of output a decade ago, and organising a meeting between Jackson and Prince, and they all got to the restaurant and Prince and Jackson stared at each other for an hour without saying anything and then Prince stood up and said "I'm done here". One of them went on to be the greatest live entertainer of all time. One of them wrote Waterfalls and Sometimes It Snows In April and I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man and Strange Relationship. The other one didn't. Who's bad?

Bowie vs Reed
Despite recent ventures back into trying to 'get' Velvet Underground, I've never gotten Lou Reed. (And I've always been a bit confused about the whole Lou/David/Iggy/Eno/Berlin thing. Who was high, and who saved who, and who was sufficiently un-horsed out to turn on the reel to reel?) I'd go Bowie because I have a full dance routine to Ashes To Ashes, although mrs househusbandnot met him once and apparently he really smells - something to do with refusing to wear animal-based clothes and his rubber shoes or something. [I saw Eno give a very funny talk about Bowie's wedding in Venice a while back. I know. I know...but in the end of the day Eno seems to have much more of a sense of humour than the rest of them. And Here Come The Warm Jets is my favourite album of all time remember.] I don't ever want to hear Perfect Day ever again btw, and I don't like New York.) And I don't really get Iggy Pop. The Idiot is crap, and the guy from Red Hot Chilli Peppers is better looking. And Lou Reed has annoying curly hair. Although blokewho could play him in a movie.

London Pride vs Adnams Broadside
London Pride (I know approx fuck all about bitter).

Updike vs Irving
I am embarrassed to say I have only ever read Irving, and that was approx 20 years ago. The Waunch collects Updike first editions, putting pillows by the letter box on the day they are due to arrive. I guess I should give him a try, but I have a bit of a block about series of novels, and..well isn't it all a bit American? I've read Capote and The Warhol Diaries. (Enter stage right The Waunch with long tirade re Updike as God...)

Kidman vs Bacall
I used to quite fancy Kidman in that movie when she is a weather girl. (Oi Oi Styx and fancying weather girls reminder.) Bacall I read an interview with last week saying she was bored of men because none of them were Bogey. I'd like to get high with Kidman so she could tell us the real deal about Hollywood and her ex husband(s) and being tall and stuff. Bacall I imagine would be a bit dull and want to eat too late or too early, and probably has a lap dog. I imagine Kidman would give better )(*& and conversation, and would be less high maintenance. Although I have never heard of her current husband.

BDSM vs Watersports
It would be BDSM. Watersports always implies that later one of the rowdier in the group will want to shit on you, or get you to shit on them. And I don't do that s**t.

Sauvignon Blanc vs Chenin Blanc
I'm not a monster white wine drinker, although have - arm twisted - over the years managed to pack a few thousand cases under my belt. I'm also on a weird German grape thing at the moment with white wine. It fits in with my Alpine holidays and learning to play the tuba.

'70's Leeds Utd vs 00's Leeds Utd
Pass. (Assume all 22 of them were/are hairy and common.)

Sculling vs Punting
Having been out rowing with Bad last week and in the process discovering that I am the worst rower in the world, I am tempted by punting. But punting is just for OxBridge poofs, no?

Smoked Salmon vs Smoked Trout
Great question blokewho. Smoked Trout every time. Smoked salmon - like champagne - is invariably warm, over-priced, under-tasty, and under prepared. Smoked trout with some dry toast and horseradish and a pint of London Pride? Heaven.

Black Tea vs Green Tea
Is Black Tea just normal tea? I like Green Tea. we have a tin of it sitting next to the container that contains our black tea which is a cookie jar in the shape of a wolf, and when you lift the lid it/he/she howls at you. You did ask.

Acupuncture vs Massage
Acupuncture rocks. Massage sucks. At a different time in my life, when I was stuck on the floor with a slipped disk and basically alternating between pain killers and scotch and then back to thinking I was going to die, someone suggested acupuncture, and that - along with going to see a faith healer in Streatham - made me realise I had the capacity to actually move back off the floor and up back into the real world. I think everyone should have acupuncture just to be amazed at how it works. Massage is just a bit too Oi Oi and personal and quasi-sexual/non-sexual. I hate it. I have had approx three massages in my life. None of them made me the man I am today.

Palm-reading vs Tarot
Gypssssy....

Silver vs Gold
Silver. No, gold. No, silver. No, gold. No fuckin' idea, although I have a gold and white gold wedding ring, and Prince wrote an album called Gold one time (in band camp). I'm now distracted by those losers who spray paint themselves gold or sliver and go and stand on the South Bank and want us to give them money for standing still. And there is that whole Goldfinger thang with that bird being sprayed with gold and dying on the hotel bed. Gold. No, silver. No, Gold...

Mondrian vs Miro
I think they are both pretty crap - too much yellow, and hanging out with potters, and wishing they could grow a decent beard. Pushed, I'd go with Mondrian.

Rhododendron vs Camellia
Camellia (I think).

Norfolk vs Suffolk
Difficult. I love both. Norfolk has that great coast, whereas the Suffolk coast is a bit muddy and wet and undecided. But Suffolk is a little less gentile and rough around the edges. But Suffolk is a bit too far away from anywhere, with related crap train services. And/but Norfolk reminds me of university days, which is sometimes nice and sometimes not so nice. Suffolk.

Lobster vs Crayfish
I think crayfish are a waste of time. Too little meat for all the hassle of getting it onto your fork. But I prefer crab to lobster.

Floorboard vs Carpet
Floorboards every time. Carpets are too encompassing and neat and expectant.

Muslin vs Shutters
Shutters. (Does muslin still exist anywhere other than in porn movies?)

Built-in vs Stand-free
Built-in. With stand-free you never know if it is going to fall over or scratch the floorboards. And you can never get it exactly central in the alcove or whatever.

Jack vs Meg
Meg. She reminds me of mrs househusbandnot.

Lithium vs Ketamine
I've never had either of them, although not for any particular good reason. At other times in my life I'm sure I would have partaken had the opportunity been there. But I do find all new drugs quite odd. Why would you take something that is designed to tranquilise a horse?

Roll-ups vs Ready-mades
Neither any more (sadly). In related news, the smoking ban has created a weird vibe (in London anyway). I have visions of all smokers getting together and arming themselves and killing the non smokers.

Persil vs Ariel
Apparently Persil is very difficult to pronounce in Hindi.

Soap-cakes vs Liquid soap
I have a bit of a thing about soap-cakes. I think they are going to crumble in my hands or get into my food or fall apart in the box. So liquid soap, although as I pour it into the little holder in the machine I always worry that it is going to drain away before the wash starts.

Tea towel vs Drying-up cloth
Tea towel, because it sounds so nuts when you think about it for more than a second, which I never have before until just now.

Toilet vs Lavatory
Which is the posh one? I never know. And never know what to ask for in a shop or cafe or wherever. Your bathrooms? Washrooms? The Facilities?

Hooker vs Whore
I think I'd rather be a hooker than a whore. It sounds better, more in control and less manipulative or manipulated. And "I was with a hooker last night" sounds better than "I was with a whore" too. (Although hooking is not such a great word.)

Bookmaker vs Turf Accountant
ubet.com

Length vs Girth
Not going to get involved in this one. I will leave it to Madame B and blokewhoishunglikeahorse to fight it out.

Cut vs Uncut
Uncut I think. Although I have a scar the length of my torso that I got from cycling over a barbed wire fence when I was seven. I was wearing a Speedy Gonzales tshirt at the time that the doctor had to cut away from the wound. Everyone should have a decent scar, not least of all so they can be identified when their body is dragged out of the river after the night with the hooker and the crayfish meal that went so horribly, horribly wrong...