Rules Of Engagement

So like I said last week, I was going to share some househusbandnot rules for when you meet famous people.

I'm not sure how useful these rules are going to be since you (me and you) are already at a massive disadvantage when meeting them (famous people) because:

a) famous people are only interested in other famous people
b) it is unlikely that you can say anything that the famous person has not heard before - "I loved you in....", "You were so right about world peace", "Your album made me cry", "Is Chris Martin really as much of a knobber as people make out", "Holby City made me stop sniffing glue" etc.
c) famous people seem to think it is entirely socially acceptable to walk away mid-sentence if you are not being - in their random book - 150% fascinating

I've had my moments with famous people, and most of these moments have left me feeling faintly annoyed with myself for behaving like such a *&^%. So I give you househusbandnot rules of engagement with the famous (and we are talking famous famous here, not just newsreaders and tennis players):

1) Do not admit how much you know about them. They will think you are a stalker.
2) Don't tell them about other famous people you have met. They will think you are a stalker.
3) Don't tell them if you are a stalker, at least not before you have got the photo and the hair sample.
4) Don't ask for an autograph, unless you collect autographs. (In which case, please leave this blog now. househusbandnot uses irony. You don't get irony.)
5) Don't try the I'm Not Phased By Fame approach. It doesn't work. I tried it once with a very famous rock star at a bar in London:
househusbandnot: "Hi"
v famous rock star: "Hello"
househusbandnot realising he is actually technically talking to famous rock star: "I'vegotallyouralbums thatsingleyoudidlastyearmademewriteapoem wowyouhavefivefingersoneachofyourhands canikeepthatcigarettebuttofyours whatsyourfavouritecolour iloveyou..." And you know what, I met him again a week later, and tried to turn our first meeting into a funny anecdote before slipping into a second tongue-tied star-struck rant. V un-super fly.
6) If they are American, tell them you are related to the Queen.
7) Be prepared for how staggeringly ill-informed and delusional famous people are - "The Queen of England. She lives in a balloon right?", "People live in Africa? You're shitting me", "Squid can talk", "My cousin invented photography", "My agent lives in a cheesecake", "Don't wear blue, It steals your soul" etc.
8) Leave before you start telling them about an idea you had for a film once.

Anyway, from now on I am going to do to them (famous people) what they do to me (me), which is look vaguely into the middle distance and hope I don't have to talk to them. And I will take the vicarious pleasure that Hello and Grazia and - more importantly - Pop Bitch give to me about their lives. I don't want the real thing. I'm happy with the distant half-truth.