My People

Hey check it out. househusbandnot has had 150 visitors since I started it last week.

I know that these visits have been mostly:

i) my wife checking up to make sure I haven't told you before her that I have burned the flat down
ii) soon to be disappointed Styx fans (See Lunch With Styx)
iii) Martin Amis because I once won a competition writing an article like him
iv) that dude from Hawaii (See Amateur Hour)
v) and security checks because I have mentioned arson

But hey, 150 visits. My people.

And each visit has been an average of 17 minutes and 29 seconds long. Again, I know this is my wife staying on line to pump up the average, and Martin Amis not really being able to give househusbandnot his full attention because he is pretending to listen to Will Self on the phone complaining about the subs at The Evening Standard changing crepuscular to pancake-like. (Amis, bored, drags on roll-up : "I know Will. It happened to me with pathetic rapacity at The Literary Review".) But 17 minutes and 29 seconds. My sticky people.

This average time of visits have been a bit skewed by a whole bunch of people who stayed on househusbandnot for 00.00 seconds. How do you do that? In my book 00.00 seconds is not a visit. It is a non-visit. I couldn't put on my CV that I ran communications for Google last year, and on being asked for more detail say "Oh that was just for 00.00 seconds, but it happened. Honest". I don't get it. It makes everything wrong. (Although I guess I can say I slept with that girl from Hollyoaks now - "Yeah, it was great man. We did it for like 00.00 seconds three times in one evening.") Even just the physical process of pressing Enter and then Exit takes at least two seconds in the average keyboard/average human finger set up. Who are you, you super-speedy octopus-limbed not interested in my blog freaks?

In other stats, Tuesdays have been the busiest days at househusbandnot. I'm thinking this is because all three members of the Styx Fan Club have time to join us because they get the afternoon off on Tuesdays from their jobs as sound engineers on Winnie The Pooh: The Extravaganza On Ice. And because Tuesdays are ****-numbingly dull.

I guess I should not be divulging my stats so early in the game, and that I may be compromising any future sponsorship deals with manufacturers of househusbandnot-friendly products. But any more of you Tuesday people with seventeen and a half minutes to spare. Come on in.

(I did actually have a drink with a friend - baldbutgettingawaywithitdude - last night who explained to me about the 00.00 second visits, so please don't feel the need to write and explain it to me. Any thoughts on househusbandnot-friendly products welcome though. I couldn't think of any...other than flowers for my wife to make up for the Hollyoaks thing.)